The One That Got Away Was You (and how to find yourself again.)
- Cynthia Dano
- Aug 20
- 6 min read
Ah, the classic story of the one that got away. We've all got one, right? The person we replay in our minds, wondering "what if?" We imagine a perfect alternate timeline where we stayed together and everything worked out. We romanticize the memory, the potential, the person. The story in our mind plays out like our personal version of a romantic Nicholas Sparks novel... involving misty eyes, a well-timed rainstorm, and an acoustic guitar somewhere in the distance.
But today, let’s talk about a different version of that story. One that doesn’t involve a romantic lead... unless you count your reflection in the mirror. Because sometimes, the one that got away isn’t a long-lost lover or someone from your past with really good hair.
Sometimes... it’s you.
Yes. You.
Not in a dramatic "I left town on a Greyhound and never looked back" kind of way. More like: you slowly drifted. You stopped painting, singing, hiking, dancing, writing, or fill in the blank-ing. You quit dreaming. You turned your volume down. You started living by someone else’s calendar, timelines or opinions. And somewhere along the way... you lost track of you.
Sound familiar?
Let’s talk about that girl—and why you might have lost her.
When Did You Start Slipping Away?
Most of us don’t abandon ourselves in one fell swoop. We don’t slam the door and say, “That’s it—I’m done being me.” It rarely happens in a blaze of glory. Instead, it’s slow. Sneaky. Like disappearing by the death-by-a-thousand-shoulds, drowning under the millionth "yes" or finally looking up from the well-trodden path and realizing "you" are nowhere to be found.
We set intentions, make promises, and then poof—we're gone. We leave a trail of half-read books, half-completed projects, and forgotten dreams. Maybe you promised yourself you’d learn a new language. You bought the books, downloaded the app, and even started a Duolingo streak. But a few weeks later, you find yourself scrolling through social media, the app gathering virtual dust. You didn't break up with the idea of learning Spanish; you just quietly slipped away from your own commitment. The fluent, cultured version of you is the one that got away.
Or perhaps it was the goal of writing a novel. You had the plot, the characters, and the perfect opening line. You set aside time every single day to write. But then life got busy, the words didn't flow as easily, and one missed day turned into two, and then three, until you'd completely ghosted your writing self. The author you could have been is now just a memory, a story that never got told.
Why We Break Up with Ourselves
So why do we let ourselves slip away? Beyond simple laziness, there are deeper, funnier (in a "this is too real" kind of way) reasons we constantly leave ourselves and our dreams.
The Fear of Failure (or Success!): This is the classic paradox. We're either so terrified of not being good enough that we never try, or we're so scared of what will happen if we succeed that we find a way to self-sabotage. It's like breaking up with someone because you're afraid you might get married and have to do chores together forever.
The Overachiever's Hangover: You set such high expectations for yourself that the moment you slip up, you decide the whole thing is ruined. One day of eating a donut turns into a week of donuts, and suddenly, your healthy-eating self has broken up with the junk-food eating one and is now ghosting you because you aren't perfect! (What kind of relationship is that??)
The Dream We Lost to "Someday": We tell ourselves we'll get to our dreams on that mythical "someday,"(may as well add the rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns here too for full effect). We prioritize everyone and everything else first: the boss's demands, the kids' schedules, our best friend's need to vent. This isn't just selfless; it's a form of self-abandonment, and it's a silent killer of dreams. Our dreams get filed away in the dusty cabinet of our minds, collecting dust like that fancy gym membership we never used.
The Psychological Toll of Self-Abandonment
This quiet betrayal of our own dreams isn't funny; it's painful. The psychological toll of constantly putting ourselves last is real. According to self-determination theory in positive psychology, we’re hardwired for three essential needs: autonomy (freedom to be ourselves), competence (feeling capable), and connection (feeling loved and seen). When we let those go, we start to shrink. And the worst part? Most of the time, we don’t even notice it’s happening until we’re already in the weeds. There's also a thing called Identity Diffusion. Psychologists call this a state of aimlessness and a lack of commitment to who you are. You're not just ghosting a hobby; you've ghosted the very person who would have chosen it in the first place. You feel like a ghost in your own life because, in a way, you are.
You might still look functional on the outside. Working. Posting. Smiling. Achieving. But your inner self might be waving a flare gun, whispering, “Hey, remember me?”
A Note on Regret (Because That’s Kinda My Thing)
This is where the self-abandonment and ghosting get real. One of the deepest regrets people face isn’t about what they did—it’s about what they didn’t do. Who they didn’t become. The parts of themselves they silenced, postponed, or sacrificed in the name of fear or "should" or being good, liked, or efficient. You can usually learn from a bad haircut, but it's much harder to reconcile with a dream that was never given a chance.
I call this living on layaway—delaying your joy, identity, and creativity for 'later' where it’ll finally be “your turn” or "the right time."
But, as many others and I can attest, time doesn’t patiently sit around and wait for us, and I'm pretty sure "the right time" doesn't roll itself out like a red carpet. Another thing I've learned a time or two is that the only thing time guarantees anybody is NOW.
Regret is the high cost of self-abandonment. So if you’re waiting for a sign, this is it: Stop breaking up with yourself.
How to Find Your Way Back
Luckily, this isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel—it's yours, so you get to write it how you want. You can get back together with yourself. The one that got away is still right here. You can pick up where you left off, no matter how long it's been. No midlife crisis or one-way ticket to Bali required (although, no judgment). It starts right here. With a choice.
Acknowledge and Forgive: Life happens. Responsibilities pile up. Regret whispers. But now that you’ve noticed, you’re already on the road home. Forgive your past self for the fear, mis-used time, and self-abandonment. You did the best you could with the tools you had.
Write a “Missing Person” Report
Write down the version of you that feels missing or far away. What did she love? What did she laugh at? What made her feel most alive? What dreams were packed away in the attic of practicality?
Reintroduce Yourself
It may feel awkward. You might feel rusty or ridiculous. That’s okay. Let it be awkward, funny, maybe even a little cringey. That’s part of the charm. You’re not starting from scratch. You’re reuniting with someone you used to love. Someone worth knowing again.
Date Yourself Again and Create a New Relationship Agreement: Seriously. Take yourself to the beach. Make yourself a playlist. Write a cheesy love letter to your future self. You’re worth courting. Start small. You don’t need to overhaul your life in a weekend. If you ghosted your running routine, don’t try to run a marathon tomorrow. Just go for a walk. If you gave up on your novel, just write one paragraph. Instead of making big, vague promises, create small, achievable goals. Instead of "I will work out every day," try "I will go for a 15-minute walk three times this week." This makes it easier to stay committed and feel successful. The goal is to rebuild trust with yourself, one small step at a time. Treat these moments as non-negotiable appointments with yourself.
Practice Conscious "Un-Ghosting": Be intentional about your reconnection. When you find yourself reaching for your phone, pause and ask, "What is my true self craving right now?" Consciously choose to do something that feels true to you.
Embrace "Selfish" as a Good Thing: Reframe the word "selfish" to mean putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Nurturing your own well-being is not a luxury; it's a prerequisite for being a better friend, partner, and person.
The only way to avoid the regret of a life half-lived is to show up and start a beautiful, lasting relationship with the person who needs you most: yourself.
Final Thoughts: Choose You
You’re not too late. You’re not too old. You’re not too far gone.
Let this be the day you stop chasing someone else’s version of success, beauty, worthiness, joy or ____. Let this be the day you start chasing yourself down—not because you’re lost, but because you’re worth finding.
You are the one that got away. Now go get her back.
About the Author
Cynthia Dano is a two-time cancer survivor, Radical Remission coach, author of Uprooted, and the founder of The No Regrets Project. She’s on a mission to help women stop waiting for someday and start living like time matters—because it does. Find her at cynthiadano.com or TheNoRegretsProject.com
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